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The term "final arrangements" does not exactly make us feel good, but death is something that will come to all of us and the more we can plan in advance, the more we ease the burden for our families and the more we can assure we have what we want. It may sound like a daunting task, but, in reality, making pre-arrangements with a funeral director can take as little as an hour to an hour and a half. Here are the major decisions you need to make: ▫ Traditional burial (casket, vault) vs. cremation (urn) ▫ Cemetery vs. scattering of ashes ▫ Calling hours or wake vs. no calling hours ▫ Flowers vs. memorial contributions ▫ Traditional church service vs. something nontraditional About Yardena Go back to article list Traditional burial vs. cremation Cremation is on the rise in this country. Nationally, about one-third of people are cremated and that number is growing steadily. People choose cremation for a variety of reasons—it’s cheaper, for one (no casket, no vault). It’s more environmentally friendly (no embalming, though bodies don’t have to be embalmed if burial occurs within 48 hours of death). Many also like the idea of having their ashes scattered in one or various places. But the majority of people still choose a traditional burial with a casket and vault (by vault, we mean a cement lining to protect the earth from any chemicals that might seep from the body and/or casket). You have many options for both caskets and urns and, like shopping for a car, a little Internet research before visiting your local funeral director will give you an indication of choices and price ranges. Cemetery vs. scattering of ashes Many people opt to have their ashes scattered. These can be beautiful ceremonies, especially when family and friends gather on the beach or in the woods or on a lake or riverside for a time of remembrance. Rather than scattering the ashes, remains can be buried in cemeteries or private property (if cremated remains), often with mementos, in private ceremonies that are equally lovely. Sometimes remains are kept until other loved ones pass and those remains are joined and scattered or buried together. These are all wonderful choices and completely up to the individual or individuals. What is important, though, is that you make your wishes known. You don’t want your remains sitting on a shelf for twenty years because no one knows what to do with them. Calling hours or wake vs. no calling hours Calling hours are designed so friends and acquaintances can come and pay their respects to your family. They want an opportunity to come by and let them know they are sorry for their loss. Sometimes people think no one is going to come, so they feel they shouldn’t have calling hours. But remember, people come not only for the person who has died, but for all members of the immediate family—spouse, siblings, children, parents (if surviving). This can add up quickly. If you still think that number will be small, you can consider having people come an hour or two before the funeral service. So if you have a funeral at 11am, you could have calling hours from 9-11am. That way people have an opportunity to pay their respects if they so wish. Flowers vs. memorial contributions Memorial contributions are always nice, particularly if you or your loved one has suffered from a long and dreadful illness. But flowers are beautiful, too, especially when people are grieving. If you feel strongly about memorial contributions, by all means ask for donations, but don’t feel you have to. If you want flowers, have flowers! Traditional church service vs. something nontraditional All too often these days, I hear people say, "I don’t want a funeral, " or "don’t do anything for me. " But what they’re really saying is "I don’t want a big production. " When someone dies, it is essential to stop and mark that moment, to bear witness to the time they spent on this earth and the impact they made on our lives. This person lived. This person mattered. We have many options for the service portion of the funeral. It can be large and traditional, but it can also be small and intimate. Both can be meaningful. Both can be beautiful. It simply depends on what you want. Most people have a religious service in a church or other house of worship or a funeral home. More and more, however, people want something more personalized and participatory in a funeral service. Survivors want to assure that the appropriate rites are observed, but they also want to mourn the passing and, most especially, celebrate the life of their loved one. Increasingly, people known as civil funeral celebrants are answering these needs. They work directly with bereaved families and draw on anecdotes gathered during a two to three hour family meeting to create a service that tells the life story of their loved one by including a eulogy, music and ceremonies that reflect the significance of the deceased and the impact he or she had on family, friends and community. If the funeral service itself is going to be presided by clergy, the celebrant can work with the family to create a celebration of life tribute that is given toward the end of calling hours the day before or even a memorial service following a cremation. That way, families can have both the religious service as well as a personalized tribute that strongly reflects the individual who has departed from their lives, incorporating the stories, songs, experiences, and essence that define their loved one. They have the opportunity not only to share who this person was with those gathered, but to show their pride in their loved one’s personality, idiosyncrasies and life accomplishments. As a civil funeral celebrant, I have had the privilege of working with many funeral directors in southern New England and you won’t find a group of more caring and dedicated professionals. If for some reason you find you don’t like one, call another. Each funeral home has its own personality. I always encourage people to visit funeral homes and see what they think. Do you feel comfortable? Some funeral homes have a sense of warmth and intimacy. Others have a sense of elegance, others solid tradition, still others offer quiet contemplation. Don’t feel you have to make up your mind right away—it’s a very personal decision. Take your time. That’s the beauty of a pre-arrangement—you have the time to make an informed choice. While it may sound gruesome, it can be a loving and even comforting trip to the funeral home to choose your casket or urn, music, prayer or poem for a memorial keepsake card, photos for a memorial DVD, guestbook or any number of mementos your funeral director may offer. Remember that the funeral is for you but especially for those you leave behind. They will want to respect your wishes, but they will also want to honor your memory. Take the time to plan for them and for yourself. You won’t regret it. About Yardena Yardena Rand is a civil funeral celebrant. She brought civil funeral celebrancy to Rhode Island in 2005. You can learn more about her and her services at www.thecelebratedlife.com, or you can reach her at 401-405-0178 (Yardena@thecelebratedlife.com). Website designed by http://www.webwyze.com. |